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The “Apprentice” ?

 

 

 
 

There’s nothing like giving yourself a good old pat on the back. I have been drawn into the hilarious world of elected tweeter Joe Anderson and, as ever, he doesn’t disappoint.
Here’s an example of how Twitter can allow people to convince themselves that because they have tweeted, it must be true.

apprentice
Wow, I thought, that’s ace. Nice one Joe. Then I wondered just where, in amongst cuts and voluntary redundancies the City Council and come on let’s face it Joe personally, had placed these apprentices and what kind of apprenticeship they would be serving. I’m thinking Four years, trade, indentured. Like..erm…an apprenticeship. So I had a look on their website and was immediately confused. It’s the words “we’ve taken on” and “apprentice” used by the self-congratulatory elected mayor that have me a bit puzzled.

Liverpool City Council offer “The Liverpool Youth Contract”, here’s how it works :


Liverpool Youth Contract (nationally funded programme) is offering businesses across the city an Apprenticeship Wage Subsidy of up to £3.5k. Employers will support the recruitment of young people into Apprenticeships (Liverpool residents, 16/17 year olds who are not currently in Employment, Education or Training).

The Offer

  • Liverpool City Council and Connexions will assist you in recruiting a Liverpool resident(s) aged 16/17 who is not currently in Employment, Education or Training.
  • Employers will benefit from a pre recruitment matching service.
  • Free training for apprentices will be delivered by approved Skills Funding Agency Training Providers.
  • The Liverpool Youth Contract Apprenticeship Wage Subsidy initiative will pay the National Minimum Wage (£3.68 per hour) for the first six months of an apprentice’s employment.
  • Support will be offered to all employers in terms of mentoring and coaching the young people during their apprenticeship.
  • We are happy to support multiple applications and we are looking for proposals of any size.
    Employer Requirements.
  • You will be expected to provide a full time apprenticeship opportunity to 16/17 year olds (who are not currently in Employment, Education or Training).
  • Apprenticeships will last at least 12 months.
  • We will favour proposals from businesses who can provide a sustainable future for our apprentices, and whose employment will continue beyond our funding.
  • We will place greater emphasis on supporting those employers who help fill recognised skills gaps, or target potential areas for economic growth in the City’s transformational area such as: SuperPort, Low Carbon Economy / environmental related work, Visitor Economy, creative, digital, media, financial and professional and Five Star Customer Service.
  • We particularly welcome applications from businesses operating within the newly created Mayoral Development Zones and the Liverpool City Enterprise Zone
yts

Left wing Militant lunatics protesting against “apprenticeships”

Now I may have misread that but for some strange reason the word “contract” changed mid-offer to “apprentice” yet at no point am I left thinking the word apprentice is applicable to any of it.

I mean 800 (500 more to come) young people taken on by firms paid £3.5k so long as they employ the “apprentice” for at least twelve months. It’s all very commendable IF you endorse cheap labour designed to massage unemployment figures and also allows Joe to kid on that his council, led by him, has done anything other than re-brand the good old scheme.

They are not apprenticeships. They are not employed directly by the council. It’s a nationally funded programme.

Billy The Kid’s Kidder who Kidded Billy The Kid’s Kid…..or something.  You aint kidding anybody but yourself Joe.

We called them YTS back in the day.

Dress it up all you like…it’s STILL YTS now.

Coming Soon : Redundancies : Elected Mayor introduces Liverpool City Council’s “A Change is as Good as a Rest” scheme.

 
 

Green Light for Peel Holdings “Stan Waters” Project

Joe Le Cafe

“and I say this as elected mayor..and Labour Leader or erm…on a board or something. I will bring more cafes to Liverpool. Just watch. Fuck the libraries. We need more cafes”

A while back I was informed by Roger “Joe Anderson is proper ace” Phillips on his phone-in that I “know absolutely nothing about politics”. It was during one of those Big Joe love-ins Roger likes to hold for his Shanghai bunk-mate in which the two of them tell the world just how proper ace Joe is. My question wasn’t political it was based on simple mathematics. I asked how Joe could keep a straight face as he made the “heartbreaking” decision to pass the 2012 budget in which Liverpool was yet again raped by cuts. I merely asked why Joe’s Mayoral piggy bank of £130million could not just be offset against the loss. Roger scoffed and offered no reasonable explanation. Apparantly that’s politics and I don’t understand it.

Fast forward 12 months and another “heartbreaking” rubber stamp from the Mayor/Leader as he sanctioned the closure of ten libraries across the city and upped Council Tax whilst halving bin collections. No illegal budgets here. I mean having the ball’s to carry out the promises people elected you to do ? Fuck that…people go to jail for stuff like that and have people like Joe and Roger call them lunatics. Again, actually having the balls to stand and fight against that which is 100% wrong, must be politics, and I wouldn’t understand it.

So we move on and Joe blames everybody for making him do stuff he doesn’t really want to do it’s a plain as day in Joes world that his yearly acquiescence to cuts is down to “”Failure and legacy of the Liberal Democrats which, by the way, was equal to that of Militant in the 1980s”.

Perhaps it’s me but what is being played out in our city is like watching an old Play For Today in which councilors and mayors trouser huge sums of cash and fringe benefits as developers basically take the piss. Todays Fifty Storey Tower is yesterdays piggeries or Braddocks. Back in the day it seemed that’s how politics was and having been highlighted in lurid “expose” these practices ceased. Somebody needs to tell Joe.

I may be well off the mark here but a couple of examples recently are straight out of Our Friends in The North. A few weeks back a very irate (and heartbroken) ELECTED Mayor (don’t forget the word elected. Joe loves it. To those 66,000 Joe smugly reminds us of at any opportunity. I feel for you.)  Anyway, Joe sent an invitation to Communities Secretary Eric Pickles (who’s dog found the world cup in 1966) and a train ticket so he could “come to the city and see the impact of Government cuts”. He didn’t bother his arse and Joe implemented the cuts regardless. Then, as if by magic, Eric Pickles decided not to call in the Peel Holdings Liverpool Waters scheme. A scheme in which Peel Holdings appear to have plucked huge figures out of nowhere and then got Joe to tell us “it’s going to be cracker”. The scheme was highlighted in the Echo with diagrams. It’s huge. You can see how huge by the size of the boxes the Echo use in their illustration, a big box next to another smaller box which was Liverpool One and obviously for those who have difficulty grasping “smaller that the larger one” we have…a football pitch. Liverpool Waters is as big as loads of footy pitches. In welcoming this £5.9BILLION Scheme Joe beamed “I’m absolutely delighted that the Secretary of State shares the confidence we have in our ability to deliver this vitally important regeneration scheme, while protecting our architectural heritage.” So I guess Eric Pickles won’t be using the train tickets and we can kiss goodbye to one of the world’s most iconic stretches of waterfront. Something else we destroy then mourn.

Peel’s figures are truly baffling. I mean 9,000 homes and 3 million square feet of commercial space and a 55 storey tower. It will provide offices, shops, restaurants (cafes), hotels and leisure facilities as well as a new cruise liner terminal. Sounds ace. Yet in a city that is selling off empty houses at a pound a pop just to get them occupied you have to wonder how these figures have just been accepted. Peel themselves acknowledge the dearth of empty apartments in the city and blame it on privateers offering little in the way of help in purchasing. With that in mind I thought Peel would have a solution for their new “community”. Alas they tell us “It is likely that much of the residential in Liverpool Waters will be private, sold to private individuals. We do not yet know the prices, particularly given the credit crunch. We are of course aiming to attract successful business people to live, work and invest in the area and the housing products will be aimed as high as possible.”

Amusing in itself yet it was the next bit of Peelspiel that had me cackling.

“Not having a job is the root of many people’s difficulties in owning their own home. The opportunity to get a job within Liverpool Waters is high and therefore this should help some to afford homes within the scheme.” So Peel will be taking people off the dole, allowing them top work in one of the many cafes and thus become “successful business people” so successful they will be able top buy a new house next door to the cafe the work at. Ace.

I find it distasteful seeing heartbroken Joe salivate at the thought of this scheme and ask how hard it would be to ask Peel to REALLY invest in Liverpool. £5.9BILLION makes a mockery of budget cuts and tax hikes. How about Peel Holdings REALLY getting involved in the city ? Even a very, very small percentage of £5.9BILLION would ease Joe’s heartbreak (which is going to be worse again next year) and maybe keep a few libraries open. I mean Peel love Liverpool, Joe loves Liverpool so much that they carry on talking in sunshine happy billions and fictitious tenants, shoppers and cafe owners as they cut more and more services with gutless ease.

joehighviz

“Sharon you are just a woman and I’m a proper Man Mayor. I’m Alf Roberts you are just Annie Walker. See that white envelope he’s holding ? That tells me we can get at least 3 cafes up here which would create about 2,000 jobs and a three runway international airport with more cafes”

Anybody would think money was changing hands, brown envelopes and that kind of nonsense. Surely not ? that would be like the Mayor/Leader sanctioning and applauding the purchase of a building using our money and not disclosing how much it cost or what the term of the “partnership” with the private developer are. We are getting another hotel and Joe is fucking ecstatic..so shut it and get back to finding that extra dough for the Council Tax.

As Roger stated. I know nothing about politics. I am confused about Joe’s role(s). Is he Mayor, shaker, mover and facilitator in bazillion pound deals or suicidal pawn forced to steal from the poor ? Councillor looking after his ward or Mayor sitting on multiple boards and making key decisions on how to spend OUR money without conscience or explanation. “We have bought the Municipal Building and we are turning it into a hotel. Done deal, don’t dare ask how much we paid and anyway there’s going to be a cafe”

I’m not suggesting for one second that Joe, Roger and the hacks at the Echo are laughing their tits off at people like me who don’t understand politics.

I would also find it hard to believe that a Mayor/Council Leader, heartbroken as he is, would descend into countless trivial and personal arguments at the height of the city’s budget meeting surely that’s what Twitter is for eh Joe ?

It is always reassuring to know that the doubters, not me like, are left with no room for cynicism as in these days of transparency a man holding high office with high remuneration to match is beyond reproach as every penny Joe earns (who said given) will be there for all to see. Full disclosure at all times.

If anybody comes across a definitive account of how many posts Joe currently holds and how much each pays I’d welcome a gander. I mean Joe works dead hard. Demolishing a world heritage site to facilitate cafes and shops isn’t easy. Then again Joe has two hats complimenting his two faces I’m sure one of them will justify all.

A far cry from those Joe is quick to mock. Men and women jailed for having guts and principle. A far cry from TRUE labour statesmen like Eric Heffer and Terry Fields expelled from his party and jailed for 60 days for refusing to pay poll tax. Terry Fields ELECTED Labour member taking a fireman’s wage and no more.

Ken Loach was quoted as saying that if ever there were a revolution it would start in Liverpool. Thirty years ago any revolution would have been politically motivated and the city had men and women capable of carrying it through. Now ? The people of Liverpool still know how to fight. Sadly it’s elected Mayor/Labour leader/Socialist is too busy with secret deals and a quest for even more cafes for any of that shit.

Then again..as Roger said…I know absolutely nothing about politics.

WHAT NEXT FOR JOEY THE RAT ?

having fielded offers for a few years he’s now ready to bring the church to forefront of family entertainment.  Whilst there is no doubt Pope Benedict has dragged the Catholic Church kicking, screaming and ultimately accepting the 16th Century he now feels “I have taken them as far as I can, you know, man, it was  good times but the business has moved on. People see through all that shit these days” said “Joey the Rat” taking up his old name. “I was tryin’ to make an omelet dude and I guess I walked on some shells. So what..I quit. Call  me Ex Benedict”

Reflecting on a short but prosperous gig at the Vatican Joey has told close friends of the “hours of anguish completely smashed out of my tits” in the months leading up to shock resignation.

Talking to YKTD last year at the “We Are Not Knonces” festival The Rats closest friend Sir Cliff Richard said  “It creeps up on you bro. One minute you are smashing it, ya got bread, ya got wine, more ho’s and bitches than a nigga can dream of…feel me?” lamented Cliff “nigga realise, nobody listens man, they still fucking, cussing and giving birth…too many fucking babies yo”

Looking back over the centuries The Rat openly sheds what appear  wet concrete  tears as he recalls the good times…”There are no brothers now, Just stupid amateur nonces. In my day we scared ’em too good to grass” a laugh breaks free from in among a thousand demon voices as he confirms “the games dead lad”

Milwall away 1979 : "I robbed this scarf off Harry The Dog"

Milwall away 1979 : “I robbed this scarf off Harry The Dog”

So the speculation mounts, where does The Rat go now?  His latest tweet, to Joey Barton, said “I got plans lad for on the out, I’m no mass, all class brother but first I need to kick back and go get me some sun”. Freddy Starr replied “you can’t have mine but I’ll get the Hairy Cornflake to lend you his, he’s off school”.

What next ?  Here’s what the bookies say :

1. Vocation, Vocation, Vocation
Kirsty and Phil are joined by newcomer Joey as they help young men find a home, job and a life of paying for fuck all, literally, ever. “you wanna be a priest, right here is where you start prayin'”.  5/2

2. God The Bounty Hunter
The Rat joins Jesus and family as they bring wayward souls back into the church. Will Joey REALLY be allowed to retire or…will he have to face down “God” in the back of a big car that really is fucking massive ? “go with Jesus bra”  ODDS 3/1

3. Grand Designs
Whilst George carries on the upgrade of his caravan, and tries out a tent in a tree, we catch up with Joey the Rat and see just how far he has come with his build. Two hundred  centuries and more stolen treasure than any other cult on the planet..BUT..will the artexing in St. Peters be dry enough to take a coat of eggshell before Easter ?  100/1

Personally I think Joey the Rat is being overly optimistic in planning ahead. Some say he is determined to “check out dem Saga holidays” whilst others maintain far from trying to promote a bit of an arl schism he will be happy to “just do something piss easy like those insurance gigs Stratford Johns and Parky do. You can never have too many pens”

All the best Pope lad.

ECHO MOURNS RAPID DEMISE

rapid2

CLOSED: the notice confirming to the shocked masses that closed down Rapid has…erm…closed down

Over the years the one thing the Liverpool Echo was ace at was making people believe it was actually a NEWSpaper and not a rag that relied on advertising, death and footy. Today it mourned the closure of Rapid Hardware, who are one of the Echo’s biggest and longest-serving advertisers and is the ones that’s  not Taskers.

Obviously the Echo isn’t arsed about loss of advertising revenue but is more concerned over how “shocked” people where when they were faced with sign on the door of the closed down Rapid that read “closed until further notice”.  Obviously shocked because closed really means open in their world ?

The Echo have asked questions and have been told that “final closure cannot be ruled out”.  They must be absolutely gutted but they don’t let on. They can’t be as gutted as “John, 63 of Kirkby, went down to try and collect a £140 lamp which he bought five weeks ago and is in the shop window.

“The lamp is right there in the window – we would happily take it now but we can’t. We’ve always been loyal customers of the store, but we’re really surprised at how the closure has been handled. “

The lampless John added, with a spirit of Monkhouse delivery and absolutely no sign of irony, “We’re totally in the dark now”.

rapid

SHOCKING: REALLY shocked people outside a shut Rapid.

My heart bleeds for the Echo, and lampless John,  it really does. Perhaps to go some way in compensating for the loss of Rapid’s advertising revenue it would be a good idea to ask Merseyside Police to start paying for their various “crimestopper” advertising…oops sorry…”community initiaves” backed by The Echo.

I mean surely ad-man genius ideas such as photoshopping a santa hat onto random mug-shots of “lids” then calling it  “The 12 crooks of christmas” was paid for by somebody ? come on, surely THAT’S not journalism.

Whilst sparing a thought for the staff at Rapid and those at The Echo advertising department who have probably already been laid off, I do get a sense of peace knowing karma is at work and it will hopefully not be long before we see the demise of this insipid rag.

That’s one death notice I’d love to see.

STORAGE WARS

storage-wars

Now into it’s 3rd series Storage Wars is a show where tramp divs with dough  buy stuff that div tramps with no dough have forgotten they had in storage.  An auctioneer and his wife sell shite with the enthusiasm of Sotheby’s flogging a Da Vinci yet strangely with the linguistic prowess of a fat american meff farm auctioneer selling pigs.

Nobody knows what is in the lockers. Well we do, we know it’s tat but hey…who knows what you might find worse still what you don’t find if you get outbid. You gotta have this unit !  The show has a “cast” who are both the beating heart of the thirty minute feature and the only bidders with names and money and of course the “wow factor”.

Dave Hester or “Dangerous Dave” is brewstered. he’s been buying shite for ages and has the most money…in the world. His signature bid is shouting the word “Yuup” which unbelievably makes Dave sound twice the  twat he looks. Dave’s speciality is “bidding up” which is basically pretending you want the shite in the locker thus making one of the other divs pay more than they should. Dave is currently suing the production company after exposing the earth shattering news that items are planted in lockers because people are not enthralled by your basic tat. Personally I don’t see it. I mean we all know somebody with a 1950’s Wurlitzer Jukey or a bit of Clarice Cliff in storage. You can’t kill the magic Dave.

Darrell Sheets “The Gambler” is an six foot plus dope with more vests than brain cells and a son “Brando” with less of both. Often bid-up by Dave as second richest meffs they often cop for the odd amazing surprise, this game is full of them. In among the dead fridges, tellies and with the heady aroma of binjuice in the air these old pro’s will most likely unearth something, not planted by anybody at all, worth absolute grands. We don’t know though, until we get it appraised. Thus giving us a glimpse of meffs with shops selling tat at outrageous prices. These are contrasted against newcomers to the storage game “Jarrod and Brandi”. They have a new thrift shop, bitch, and ultimately buy proper bad shite. One day, maybe they will be just like Dave.  The “comedy” element is provided by Barry Weiss. An old tanned perv who is never far from a hired car, innuendo or shit joke.  Barry is big in hollywood, is connected and well rich but hey, just like dead rich Dave, he can’t resist buying a box of shite for a grand.

The target audience is sadly the mainstream. These are people who need telling what it is they are watching, what they are doing in the show, what they just said and how they felt when it was said. The same people who switch channels in the ad break even though they know, through experience, that EVERY shit channels goes to adverts at the same time. They still switch, and will continue to switch regardless, just like we all do.

bad meffs looking at tat

bad meffs looking at tat

Program highlights: “The Gambler” upon finding a box next to a dozen fishing rods and bait boxes informed us he’d hit the goddamn motherlode and  jackpot with this “fish detector”.  Sadly a quick glance at the box it was in revealed the object as being just an arl metal detector. If nothing else it was an opportunity for us to join another fat old tramp  keeping his dinner warm in his 2 ft minty beard. He’s on sun-kissed West Coast beach detecting beard dinner money.

You can find the same episodes of Storage Wars all day, every day on, where else,  The History Channel. Old shite indeed.

Don’t forget to pay the lady !

Vicarious lobotomy rating : 8/10