Here’s a sample of what the ‘guys’ and ‘dolls’ here at Y’KNow The Dance have been discussing over the past week or so.

Newstwat Wed 12th November

The family of a woman beheaded by a paranoid schizophrenic have slammed the Welsh hospital. Staff at Glan Clwyd hospital in North Wales released Deyan Deyanov because they felt he was feigning mental illness by speaking ‘gibberish’. It was later discovered that the man was in fact speaking Welsh.

Unemployment has fell to a record low of fifteen according to latest figures released by The Office of Tory Lies. Chancellor, George Osbourne welcomed the dramatic fall saying “This is great news for our lie machine, in Britain today thanks to our austerity measures, every person has four or five jobs, spends half the year abroad skiing and buys a new car every Wednesday. That’s why we don’t any gyppos coming over here ruining it all by picking spuds for 2p a week.”

The poppy display at the Tower Of London was visited by a record 12 billion people, according to the BBC, who filmed the moat of poppies for a record 230 hours on their news channels. Mayor Boris Johnson denied 11.8 billion of visitors for tourists from abroad who didn’t know what the fuck was going on.
“What better way of showing our respect for the millions slaughtered in wars to protect our freedom than filling a prison moat where democrats and other subversives were murdered to protect the interests of the rich with the symbol of freedom?”

This year’s ‘I’m A Celebrity’ contestants have been named as Robert Mugabe, Harry Roberts, her from TOWIE, him from Gogglebox, him from Made In Chelsea, her from Geordie Shore, that one from Babestation Xtra, Rolf Harris and the fellar from the racist You’re So MoneyMarket advert. ITV bosses claimed that this year’s jungle fest was going to be ‘the shittest ever.’

FA Cup second round draw brings nation to a halt

The world held its collective breath just like during the Bay Of Pigs Cuban missile crisis when giant killing
Warrington Town FC were sensationally drawn away to Gateshead in the second round of the world’s most boring cup competition. ‘This is a massive day for us’ said nobody.

The weather where YOU live

It will be colder because it’s FUCKING WINTER. Buy a coat, put an extra blanket on yer bed and stop moaning, said David Cameron as he threw another veteran of WW2 on the fire

LIDL ANNOYANCES

wilfSo here’s the Lidl marketing strategy mapped out as obviously as UKIPs. Once upon a time, Lidl, Aldi and Netto were derided as the poor people’s alternative to Tezzy, Asda, Waitrose and Morrisons. No longer, not in austerity GB where horsey aristocrats like Kirsty Allsop lecture us on the benefits of ‘upcunting’ and knitting our own servants quarters.

Lidl are now selling themselves as ‘surprisingly’ upmarket – with their faux farmers’ market ads full of hipsters and yummy mummys scranning 90% Columbian chocolate rib eye beef reserva bisque.
Their xmas ad takes the strategy ‘to the next level’ (as people who say ‘to the next level’ say) by actively naming their supposed rivals in the posh Hertfordshire set crimmy party war. As a servant places lobster, scallops and other ‘juicy, not dry goodies infront of the Tory Reich guests, they ponder the provenance of this boss scran.

“Waitrose?”

“M&S?”

Notice not Tesco or Asda or any of those povvy losers.

No, it’s LIDL!!!!!

Ooooh, these Harrods bag carrying Ocado soily turnip turncoats mutter to each other – ‘unbelievable!’ ‘Where we’re going now!’

Just as Wilko’s is now the Selfridges of bargain shops, so Aldi and Lidl (if not yet Netto) have found themselves raised higher by Home (and) Bargain(s), The Ten Bob Universe and Shit Stacked So High We Can’t Even Sell It superstores. It feeds into the ‘we’re all in together myth’ that the Torys would have us believe unifies the poshoes and the povs.

‘Why Samantha was in Lidl today and picked up a lovely Rioja for £30 and a hand reared Norwegian lobster for 60 pence.”

Supermarkets have become news items in a culture so debased by commerce that the M&S share price is a regular lead item on all news channels. Tesco’s fall from supremacy may be a cause of schadenfreude for many but these fuckers are all the same in the end, all after that buck however they sell themselves.

So, next time you’re in Lidl stood behind a sweat stinking fatty in mingey crocs with a massive bag of shite doggy chunks and an eight pack of jarg lager, wondering where all the Mercs, Bentleys and Rangeys are in the car park, just thank the lord, Netto still stocks frty giant hotdogs for fifty pence and Peter still shops at Iceland.

Phil Thornton

AFFORDABLE LUXURIES

In about five months I will become the victim of a theft. It’s a theft that will cost me several thousands of pounds. It’s a theft I can’t do anything about as it’s a ‘legitimate’ theft, legitimate in that it is one that will be perpetrated upon me by HM’s government.

I’m not going to bore you with the details, other than to say it concerns a change to the rules of my pension, which have been in place, as is, since 1976, but to which the government can apparently alter to their financial benefit after nearly 40 years.

I’m not asking anyone on here to feel sorry for an embourgeoised cunt like me, but I do find it fascinating (maybe that’s not the right word) on how they have managed to pull this particular heist, and several similar, off.
See, for many years those in the elite power positions in the UK issue a familiar and powerful mantra; one that they have managed to convince large swathes of people of and do all sorts of hideous shit in its name.

It says simply: we can’t afford it.

We can’t afford the NHS; can’t afford pensions; can’t afford university education. It’s persuasive because it reduces economics down to a base ‘fact’, one that almost anyone understands because we all ‘can’t afford’ something we would like. The only problem is that it is based on two false contentions.

I’ll explain. In early 90s after going to the match since he was 14 and at aged 55 my dad decided he wasn’t going to go anymore. The reason he gave was not that Everton were fucking shite (a more acceptable reason) rather that he couldn’t ‘afford’ it anymore. Despite this claim he still got a new car every couple of years and bought a new house.

The fact was he was making basic economic choices. That’s what the government does, it makes economic choices. It made choices in the 1980s to spend £trillions on Trident and then later billions to enter a pointless war in Iraq and Afghanistan. So it is my contention that it should be making better choices on what it spends its money on.

Not rocket science I hear you say.

It’s the second one where the lie really resides and this can also be illustrated by my dad. When he died he had money in his bank that he passed on which he could have used to go to the match. Like my dad our government has access to income it could choose to use in order to ‘afford’ things to improve society but it doesn’t.

It’s called taxation.

It could choose to take money from the super-rich and large tax avoiding corporations like Amazon and Google, to name but two, that don’t pay their share and with that money create a more equitable and fairer society- but it doesn’t.

I’m not talking about my middle-class pension here I’m talking about a real sea change in thinking. A government that is committed to returning us to the old days when we could ‘afford’ the NHS, free education, decent benefits for people unemployed through no fault of their own and pensions for elderly. Forget the shit about us all living longer. We all work fucking harder and for longer, so that doesn’t cut it.

If we can’t afford it now, then how come we could afford it in the 1960s and yet the country’s wealth has increased several fold since then?

The fact is we CAN afford it and they know it. We need a fundamental redistribution of income in this country, away from the top 10%, who have all the money, towards the bottom 90%. Everyone will benefit even the cunts you take it off. We just need to find a party which is committed to doing it. A party that has the moral courage and foresight to make it happen, to stand up to the vested interests of big business and the global super-rich and make society better for all. A part like labour were in 1945.

Just one problem:

There isn’t one here so you need to move to Norway.

Ste Carter

Five bands who are just too clever for their own good*

1
steely dan – the coen brothers of pop – are they ‘ersatz’ or ‘ironic’ satirists of post-modern pop jazz pastiche or just annoyingly overproduced soul-less smart arses?

2
scritti politti – they’re in love with Jacques derrida, read-a page and you they need ta – write a thesis on italian political theory in a faux reggae stylee

3
the pet shop boys – the PSBs have been through pop’s black hole and re-emerged as a tribute band of themselves minus any of the cheeky chart nous and self-mockery, the pair of whoppers

4
talking heads – that david byrne, he coulda been a serious writer ya know. maybe he chose the wrong medium eh? WASPy self-righteousness wrapped up in post-punk artifice. or summat.

5
blur – one minute they want to be ian dury, the next they wanna be pavement, next damon wants to be an afro-alchemical magician and them he’s a hologram of a second rate baggy band survivor with ideas above his talents.

* footnote – yes, I know the above bands have produced some outstanding music and i’ve nothing against pretentiousness, it’s just y’know they should book a holiday at butlins and watch shallow hal 3

This That & The Other

This – Professional Thick People…

‘Joey Essex’, ‘Rylan’, ‘The Apprentice’ contestants etc. It’s the modern day equivalent of the Victorian freak show. Wheel these people out for us all to laugh at. The difference is the freaks are willing and end up millionaires. Quite a market for them at the moment be they professional or amateur. The contestants on the various quiz shows sometimes show a remarkable lack of basic knowledge, in particular some of the university students are incredibly dense. I get the feeling this new twist on the ‘laughing at thick people’ thing started with Jade Goody. Oh, how the nation loved pointing and laughing at her and then pretending to actually respect her because they felt bad for her when she died. Remember when the ‘Big Breakfast’ had Caprice and Kelly Brook hosting after Van Outen left? They were both jibbed for being thick. Brook could barely read and Caprice couldn’t enunciate anything (the Mirror became Mrrr, quite famously) Well do you think either of them would get fired for that nowadays?…

That – Tim Howard…

The way he lined that wall up yesterday, and his “Kermit the frawg” style dive were a joke. He may as well have put a Wiley Coyote style arrow there saying “Put ball here”. “Dear Santa.. please, please, can we get a decent goalie for Christmas, preferably not a useless American one with a sh beared?”…

The Other – It’s all for charidee…

I haven’t had much attention this November. Nobody’s heralded me as a hero and I’ve only had one or two rounds of applause when I walk down the street. I ought to do something to garner some more positive attention…oh…hold on… ‪#‎WakeUpCall‬… brilliant! What charity is it for? Oh it’s something to do with Syria I think, or some country with an S in its name. Sorry I’m just playing with the filters on this picture of myself. Do you think my hair is messy enough? It needs to look like I’ve just woken up, but, you know, in a hot way. Now obviously giving to charity is great, but how about doing it without the righteous self-promotion? What happened to just being humbly and quietly generous? Why do we all need instant gratification from everything we do now?…

Paul Sharkey

LEVERS OF POWER

What would we do without global industrial polluters like Unilever eh? Thank goodness Unilever are not in it for the money but to ‘help people feel good, look good and get more out of life’ as they say on their website.
Those Lever brothers eh? Looked after their workers in Port Sunlight and now are promoting new leaders/precocious brats who lecture people on sustainability as part of their Sunlight Project. Gee, I’m really glad this 50 billion euro turnover company is one of the good guys of corporate responsibility.

Never mind they made their dough from slave labour in the Congo during the 20s and are still digging up vast swathes of forest in Africa and Indonesia to grow their palm oil plants to help keep people ‘looking and feeling good’ with their soaps and shampoos.

Like many polluters, earth destroyers and land clearance merchants, y’know Maccys and BP and their cuddly banking pals, their PR spin masters try to present these greedy parasites as being part and parcel of the fight against waste and environmental destruction. It’s a nauseating strategy that places a tiny percentage of shareholder profits back into ‘community’ projects or sponsoring foundations as a way of sidestepping responsibility for the damage they create all across the world, especially in those lands with little or no worker’s rights.

But, hey, it’s OK cos Oxfam have teamed up with Unilever so they must be kosher eh? Their Project Sunlight campaign has this to say

“We believe there has never been a better time to create a better future for our children; a world where everyone has enough food to eat and no child goes to bed hungry.

Where every child lives to their fifth birthday and has the right to a happy childhood.

Where every home has enough water to drink and to wash, cook and clean.

And where everybody can enjoy life today while protecting the planet for future generations.

Project Sunlight is a movement that has already started.
It’s made up of a growing community of people who believe it is possible to build a world where everyone lives well
and lives sustainably.

Who recognise we can only achieve this if we all work together to do small actions every day that make a real difference.

And who inspire others to join us in making this the way everyone chooses to live.”

Greenpeace would probably take them up on their ‘mission.’
http://www.greenpeace.org.uk/…/defining-moment-palm-oil-ind…

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION

I’ve often wondered how they get live audiences for TV shows. I mean, who gets a babysitter, fights traffic, pays through the nose for a meal somewhere, struggles to get home, just to see something you could see on TV anyway? Could you really be arsed?? You know you’re only there to provide ‘atmosphere’, a flesh-and-blood laughter track. It’s the same with entire football crowds – anyone who goes the match these days knows we’re only there to be ripped off and to provide monetisable local colour for the ‘real’ worldwide audience and that nice Mr Murdoch.
Having made all the sacrifices to be there, audiences always give the impression they are grimly determined to enjoy themselves. Comedy is particularly bad – there is the forced laugh, the embarrassed laugh, the ingratiating laugh, the anticipatory laugh. Like every crowd situation, you are not really allowed to have an individual reaction. I cringe when I hear the happy clapping and bellowing that erupts on command at every end of sentence on many a painfully-unfunny sitcom or talent show.

Audiences on these shows always seem to behave like a gaggle, flock or perhaps cunt of seals, as if they’re determined to be manipulated and act as if they are enjoying themselves regardless of the dearth of humour or talent on offer. It makes no difference. You could just as easily engage in dwarf throwing or a gurning competition and you would always hear the ‘spontaneous’ [not] laughter or happy clapping according to directions given. You find studio audiences are typically the most obsequious and servile in social climbing. Not surprising really, given the likes of Miranda Hart’s sycophantic-flunkies who can’t help but piss themselves at her merely falling over each episode.
So that’s it folks, your half an hours up! Time for the chattering classes and the bourgeois-lefties to give themselves a big round of applause.

Paul Sharkey

NORTHERN ESCAPES

While my beloved Liverpool FC were going through the formality of taking no points away from the Santiago Bernabeu last night, I had the pleasure of seeing the superb ‘Northern Soul’ film for the first and certainly not the last time. I strongly suspect that this gem will come to be recognised as a classic of British cinema in years to come, in much the same way that Ken Loach’s ‘Kes’ has been for the last couple of decades.

Northern Soul has much in common with Kes, in that it exquisitely captures a certain period in English northern working class life and culture in a way that anybody who lived through it can vividly relate to, fondly or otherwise,depending on your personal experience. Like Kes it uses a handful of cameo appearances by famously ‘northern’ folk to enhance it. For Brian Glover, Colin Welland, Dougie Brown. Lynn Perrie and Bill Dean see Ricky Tomlinson, Lisa Stansfield, Steve Coogan and John Thompson.

Billy Casper’s escape from the banality of everyday existence and dread of ending up ‘darn t’ pit’ through an
unlikely love and passion for falconry is mirrored in John Clark all-consuming hunger for the underground black American soul music of the 60s and the heady amphetamine driven culture of the northern soul club scene of the 70s. As Ken Loach’s directing style beautifully captured the grim spontaneity of daily life in late 60s Barnsley, so Elaine Constantine’s background in photography captures, with appreciable attention to detail, the sweat, clothes, rhythm and magic that was Wigan Casino in its heydey, including the beautifully observed and absolutely necessary acknowledgement to the part played by ‘speed’ in it all.

Then, above and beyond the craft of Ken Loach there is the music of Northern Soul, which is just to die for. As a professional DJ and card carrying anorak myself, I was delighted to hear that the standard crowd pleasing commercial anthems like Gloria Jones’ original verson of ‘Tainted Love’, Al Wilson’s ‘The Snake’ and Frank Wilson’s ‘Do I Love You (Indeed I Do)’ had all been ignored in favour of approximately two hours worth of much less well known but even higher octane floor burners. I’ll post a link to Elaine Constantine’s personal top ten tracks from the film in the comments section later, which are worth the time to anybody whose ears are not metaphorically ‘painted onto the side of their heads’. But here is Constantine herself explaining what it was about the magic of those legendary nights that she was attempting to capture ..

Martin Quirk .

YOU MAKE ME FEEL MIGHTY REAL

Football eh? Fuck me! As someone with a red nose didn’t say. In the olden days, it used to be so simple. You played your best 11 players and you either won, drew or lost. There was the league, the FA Cup, the league cup and the European Cup (for league winners) and the Cup Winners Cup (for cup winners). There was 2 points for a win, one point for a draw and fuck all for a loss.

Yeah, I know we all know this and this isn’t some bogus nostalgia trip to the good old days because let’s face it, footy was mostly boring as fuck, played largely by skill free brutes and low scoring with teams settling for draws rather than risk losing a point. That includes the so-called Best Team Ever of the 60s and early 70s Liverpool, who were a far better, more exciting team once Paisley took over from ‘Shanks.’

The farce played out in Madrid last night has thrown up the contradictions and cynicism of modern football, as it is now not played but ‘managed.’ A manager doesn’t merely coach his players, make signings, motivate and discipline them, he acts as any other manager in charge of the company’s assets. In any other business, the credo that ‘the customer is always right’ never applies in football, where the fan is always the last person to be considered.
Fuck the 5,000 Liverpool fans who made their way to Madrid, many spending money they’ve saved since the draw was made. Brendan Rodgers likes to crack on that he’s a straight talking, honest fellar who doesn’t lie or attempt to deceive the fans, who he knows see through club spin and corporate bullshit.

Yet here he is fielding a team that he may have fielded in one of the domestic cup competitions (including that tin pot, the FA Cup) against the most successful team in Europe in the world’s premier competition. A game that was transmitted all around the world to billions of people. That this makeshift team played well, better in fact than his first team would probably have played, isn’t the issue. Rodgers was prepared to humiliate his club and those fans singing in the Bernabau in order to either make a point to his ‘senior players’ or to hedge his bets against Chelsea in a league that only serves to qualify them for the same competition next season.
He may also have more selfish reasons for such chicanery, to ingratiate himself with potential employers, even Real, by presenting a tough, enigmatic image. He even speaks the lingo was a Castillian accent! The Champions League is the ONLY game in town, the place where the true cream of the world’s talent are pitted against each other. International tournaments are obsolete, no matter how Blatter and his pimps try to whore the World Cup to those with the largest pockets. They only really serve as a marketing tool for agents, whether for players and managers and as a bribery gravy train for corrupt administrators.

On Friday the BBC are screening Warrington Town v Exeter City as a live game in the FA Cup. I doubt whether it’ll gain the same global audience as Liverpool v Real Madrid but it’ll be a more honest, sincere version of football than you will ever see on a Tuesday or Wednesday evening. (yes I know this contradicts the FA Cup charge but let’s face it, third round fever is now more a sneeze).